In the summer of 2005, I gave birth to a stillborn daughter. She a was a child that my husband and I very much wanted and her loss was devastating for us. The period that followed was excruciatingly painful. At the time we had a three year-old son. We now have three living children, ages three to eleven.
I wrote this song about a year after our baby died. After I sang it to my husband, we both just sat and cried. And when I went in to the studio to record it, the vocals just poured out in one take (if memory serves correctly). Although I still experience pockets of sadness, it is nothing like the crushing pain I felt when we went through that experience and during the period of grieving and healing that followed. Although there are still times when I think of our daughter and reflect on what we went through, it has been many years since I felt buried under the weight of it all. The pain is muted, not immobilizing.
When I was grieving my daughter, I felt so alone and was desperately searching for ways not to feel that way. Remembering that time made me decide to film this video at my home on the piano on which I wrote I Miss You almost eight years ago. I wanted those of you who are suffering from a prenatal loss – or a loss of any kind – to know that you are not alone. My hope is that, by sharing my experience, I can release others of some of the burden of aloneness.
If there’s any wisdom I can pass along to you, it’s this: You need to grieve. If you allow yourself to grieve, then over time it will get easier. They say the only way to the other side of grief is through it and I think that’s true. And, for many of us, the grieving process takes longer than we think it should take.
Going through the grief process doesn’t mean that you won’t always carry some sadness with you. But perhaps that sadness will one day serve as a portal into compassion for the suffering of others.
Wishing you strength on your journey,
Julie Geller is a singer/songwriter who is saving the world one song at a time by writing original, uplifting, positive music in English and Hebrew. You can watch her latest videos here. Sign up for free monthly music at www.JulieGeller.com.